Rudy’s Email Forward

You’ll never believe what someone sent to me; a ‘chain’ email that was forward to Rudy Giuliani and yes, he actually filled it out. However, you might not be surprised by his answers.

Can We Keep Him?

Man, I miss this show.

THE KEN DORSEY AWARDS, 2007

THE KEN DORSEY ‘STUD OF THE YEAR’ (Three Way Tie)
Tom Brady, Randy Moss & Wes Welker - It’s simple; 50-23-112-16. Stunning numbers. We’ve always said about Brady, if only he had Manning’s receivers and it looks like we were right. 50 touchdowns, only 8 interceptions, 4,800 yards. As for Moss, all year long I kept hearing ways to stop him; hit him, double him, put him in cold weather; yet nothing worked. Maybe because Wes Welker was the glue of this team with 112 catches. Every time Brady looked to be in trouble, every time Moss looked removed from the game, Welker just came through by either a long return, or a bunch of three-yard catches he would turn into a 10-yard first downs.

KEN DORSEY ‘GAME I’D PAID TO WATCH AGAIN’
‘07 Fiesta Bowl, Boise State over Oklahoma, 43-42 - If you were stuck in a maximum security prison at the beginning of the year, you need to check the end of this game out. The play calling is some of the best I’ve ever seen. Why can the NFL be this creative?

KEN DORSEY ‘HOW THE HELL THEY’D LOSE THIS’
Stanford over USC - Obviously, Appalachian State over Michigan was pretty good too, but here’s my thinking. Michigan lost three other games in 2007, so they were completed overrated at the beginning of the season. Stanford had no business beating USC. If Appalachian State was playing Stanford, who would you take? Exactly. Also, Stanford’s win over USC cost the Trojans a shot at the national title. If the Trojans win that game, they’re in the BCS title game.

KEN DORSEY’S ‘I WISH I WAS A FAN OF…’
Uh…New England Patriots - I’m still hoping they go undefeated and then lose in the playoffs (or the Superbowl). That would be the greatest irony of all time. Actually, it’s not technically irony, but it would be pretty fucking good.

KEN DORSEY’S ‘FLOP OF ‘07′
Roger Clemens - After retiring for the 83rd time, Roger signed a pro-rated one year deal with the Yankees, worth $28,000,022, or about $4.5 million per month. He proceeded to pitch 17 games, win six, lose six. He gave up more hits (99) than strike outs (6 and what does 28-million get you? A 4.18 ERA. Money well spent.

KEN DORSEY’S PIECE OF SHIT OF THE YEAR
Michael Vick - This was too easy (although Bonds is a close second). The dude killed dogs for sport, why? So he could bet a couple thousand on dog fighting. How unreal is this? The guy had over 100-million reasons to not do it and now it’s gone, all gone. See ya in 2010 Ron Mexico.

KEN DORSEY’S COACH OF THE YEAR
Billy Donovan, Florida Gators Basketball coach - It ain’t easy to repeat, unless of course you’re in college football and two different teams can win a title in one year. The Gators had the bull’s eye on their backs the whole season and still found a way to cruise to back-to-back titles. It made me sick to my stomach.

KEN DORSEY’S CRAP COACH OF THE YEAR
Nick Saban, Alabama - First, you can’t forget that this is basically his Dolphins team that has rocked to a one-win season, and then he lost at home to Louisiana-Monroe. Pathetic.

KEN DORSEY’S CHEATERS OF THE YEAR
New England Patriots - I could have overlooked the hole camera thing if three things would have happened. A) The punishment was larger, including losing first-round picks for three years. B) If the NFL didn’t destroy all evidence, including all other tapes. If they have nothing to hide, then release the tapes. C) If Pats fans/coaches/players were not such ball bags about it. “It wasn’t a big deal.” “Everyone does it.” “It didn’t help them.” “They didn’t have to.” “I didn’t know the rules.” I’m sure you’ve heard about all of these.

KEN DORSEY’S FORMER HURRICANE OF THE YEAR
Kevin Everett - The guy did little-to-nothing as a Hurricane (most remembered for a huge drop against Virginia Tech). I was shocked to see he was even on a NFL roster, however, Everett was parallelized and then walked again. Enough said.

KEN DORSEY’S PHOTO OF THE YEAR

“App State BEAT Michigan at the “Big House” To celebrate Appalachian State Stuents tore down our own goal post and brought it from the stadium up to our Chancellor’s House.” (from CollegeHumor)

KEN DORSEY’S FANTASY FOOTBALL PICK I WISHED I MADE
Adrian Peterson, Minnesota - He was expected to backup and split time with Chester Taylor, so he probably didn’t go until the 2nd or 3rd round of your draft. If that person also landed Tom Brady as well, then they suck if they didn’t go undefeated in ‘07.

KEN DORSEY’S FAVORITE LIVE SPORTS MOMENT OF THE YEAR
At the Cowboy/Giants game in week one; it was my first time in Cowboys Stadium and the game was a solid 45-35 victory for the Boys.

Strapping Predictions, Week 17

New England over NY Giants, 35-27
The G-Men will keep it close for a half, just long enough to force all the starters to play the whole game for no reason.

Philadelphia over Buffalo, 24-9
No team has played any better over the last couple weeks than the Eagles. The bad news; they can’t keep playing after this week. The Good news; plenty of time for topless bungy jumping

Chicago over New Orleans, 17-16
The Saints need a win and a lot of help to get into the post-season, and despite the fact they’ll get the help and despite the fact, Sean Penn will boat in at halftime to assist, the Aint’s drop one they should win.

San Francisco over Cleveland, 34-28
How bad will this loss be? The Browns will let Anderson go this off-season, they’ll declare Quinn the starter in ‘08 and then Romeo will be fired within two years, thanks to back-to-back four-win seasons; all while Anderson helps everyone from Atlanta forget about Vick.

Green Bay over Detroit, 20-13
Enjoy the game, it will be Mike Martz’ last game as a Lion. Man, he will be missed.

Jacksonville over Houston, 35-31
The Jaguars will pile up 800 yards rushing and it still won’t matter. They’re still going to fall in the first round of the playoffs.

Carolina over Tampa Bay, 16-14
Right now the Panthers ownership has commissioned a panel to figure out a way to get Bill Cowher’s daughter to graduate a year early from high school, allowing Big Bill to consider coaching now.

Miami over Cincinnati, 27-24
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Marvin Lewis was fired and replaced by Rex Ryan…wait, that’s not funny at all.

Atlanta over Seattle, 24-20
Warrick Dunn’s last game in Atlanta is a good one. He played at FSU, so we have to hate him, but out of all former Seminoles….we hate him the least.

Denver over Minnesota, 21-20
What happened to all those people predicting that the Vikings will be a great sleeper pick in the playoffs? Suddenly got quiet, didn’t it?

Dallas over Washington, 23-17
Everything has fallen into place for the Redskins; they control their own fate, they’re at home, they’re hot, the Cowboys are playing their scrubs, the game will have a national audience, yet…they’ll still lose. Luckily for them, both the Vikings and Saints lose too.

Pittsburgh over Baltimore, 28-9
Yes, the Ravens are so awful, the Steelers reserves will beat them. Why does their coach still have a job and why did UCLA hire Rich Neuheisel? What did he actually do to help the Ravens O to justify his hiring? Pretty sad if you ask me.

San Diego over Oakland, 20-17
Look for the Raiders and Russell to keep this game fun. I can almost see the Raiders being good in a few years, assuming Al Davis suffers a stroke and gives up control of the team.

Arizona over St. Louis, 44-17
Quiz: The best team to not make the playoffs (at least in the NFC)? The Cardinals.

NY Jets over Kansas City, 19-16
The only thing more fun than yelling “show me your tits” all through halftime? Booing Herm Edwards all game long.

Tennessee over Indianapolis, 21-13
If this game was played one week earlier, I’d give it to the Colts, 34-17.

LAST WEEK: 11-4

Patriots Fans = Douche Bags

I just returned from the Patriots win over the Giants and I’ve come to a new conclusion; Patriots fans are douchebags. Before I explain why, let me first reveal that I am not a Giants fan. I’m actually a Cowboys fan, who happens to live in New York.

I’ve been to too many games to count in my lifetime. I’ve seen games in Miami, Tampa, Dallas, New York, Atlanta and Cleveland (just to name a few) and I’ve learned long ago that every team has those shitty fans; the ones who’s mother’s stopped breast feeding them way too early, so they’ve spent the rest of their lives making ours just a little more painful. Jets’ fans curse at children, Redskins’ fans molest collies and then there are the Eagles. These fans have always been the worst. When you meet one you finally understand why there is a need for both prisons and ’special needs’ classes. These are the people who get off on two girls and a cup. Of course, why should I expect anything less from the people who snow-balled Santa and are proud of it. However, since the Eagles haven’t won a Superbowl since…well, forever, one can appreciate why they would beat their own mother’s if they caught her wearing a McNabb jersey.

Tonight though, I’ve learned that there’s nothing worse than a Patriots’ fan. By the end of the first quarter, security had to escort people out about eight times (just in sections 301-303). In our section alone, we had about four or five Patriots douche bags. Most were just the usual morons who just continually point to their own jersey; I guess if you’re wearing a Moss jersey and he scores it means one of two things; he scored, so you scored as well, or Moss scored because you were wearing his jersey and you wanted to make sure we all understood that.

One personal favorite douche sat behind us. He spent the entire game chanting, “Overrated! Overrated! Overrated.” Both my wife and I thought it was odd that a Giant fan would call a 15-0 team overrated, until the 4th quarter when I actually turned around and realized it was a Pat’s fan. It might be the first time in football history that 14-point home underdog was called overrated.

However, the fan of the day was one piece of shit, wearing a #44 Pats jersey. He had the name ‘Evans’ written on duck tape on the back of it. I’m guessing he couldn’t afford the new jersey. Anyhow, douche bag spent the entire game turning and taunting the Giants fans behind him. Every time the Pats got a single first down, guess what he did? You’ll never guess. That’s right, he did the ‘first down’ point just like every third-rate wide receiver does now. His favorite (when the Pats were losing) was to turn around and chant, “your conference sucks!” This had to be the first time a team’s conference was thrown back at them. I guess he overlooked the whole divisional thing and the fact the Pats played in a division with three losing teams, two of which have a combined 4-27 record.

I always get annoyed by these ‘turn around’ fans. How many catches did this fan have? How many tackles did he make? How many touchdowns did he score? None (that I knew of), but for some reason he felt that he had ‘earned’ the right to walk into an opponent’s home stadium and run his mouth the entire time.

As a Cowboy’s fan, it’s hard enough to go to a Giants game. They’re good at two things; changing ‘Romo’ to ‘homo’ (gay jokes, how refreshing) and shouting all game long, “Throw it to Shockey”. However, there’s nothing worse than the self-loathing Giants’ fan, just waiting for the G-Men to screw things up (which they will of course). You would think they were fans of the Cardinals. No matter what though, when I go to watch the Cowboys play the Giants, I respect the people around me.

At home in front of my TV, I curse, I scream and I kick the cat (and that’s just when I watch The Price Is Right), but when I’m at the game, in public, I’m an adult. I cheer when my team does well and I pout when they do bad. I wear full Cowboys gear, yet not a single fan has ever said a word to me. When my team wins (and they do often recently) I’m happy and I don’t forget that all I did was sit in the stands.

One would think that as a Pat fan, he would be humble, he would be proud. There’s no shame in the fact they’re all goat fuckers, they’re still 16-0 and they should be proud of their team. Actually, that was a little rough and sure it’s not fair to judge all Patriots’ fans because of the action of a few, but some fans are like Barry Sanders when he scored; he acted like he’d been there before. While others act like Chad Johnson (or Terrell Owens for that matter)…last night there seemed to be a shit load of the latter’s at the game. I guess since their coach is a ball bag, I can’t really expect the fans not to be too.

As for the game, it was a good game, but really, was there any doubt? Even when the Giants were up by 12 in the third, you just knew. When the Pats were up by three in the 4th and it was 2nd and 20, did you not think they’d pick it up easily.

Most Giant’s fans I talked to afterwards blamed the refs. Although it’s impossible to judge calls from the second deck, the calls did always seem to go against the G-Men and they always seem to happen at the worst time. However, let’s not forget Toomer’s drop on their second drive; Manning’s huge interception in the 4th; the back-to-back blown coverages on Moss in the 4th; and how many times did the Pats have a 3rd and long and the Giants blew it? Too many to count. Plus, I really have never seen a team run a two-minute offense any worse than the Giants did at the end of the game. Just freaking huddle up if it’s going to take you 28 seconds to run a play.

As for Brady…stud. I can’t recall seeing a QB who always seems to know where every guy is on the field. There was at least five times that I counted when Brady threw down to his 4th or 5th option on the field…one suggestion though to him and Moss; lose the beards. When did looking like a Broncos offensive lineman become the cool look all the kids were doing?

*** Update: All of you Pat’s fans coming from patsfan.com, yes I know every fan base has these types of fans, but I just expected a little more class from folks who’s team was about to make history. Am I asking too much? Maybe, but I like I said, Philly fans being dicks…that’s understandable. They’re from Philadelphia. Patriots’ fans though, so many of them (trust me, I only wrote about a couple), being dicks, was unexpected.

Quick Strapping Ranking (Worst Fans):
1. Eagles’ Fans - No fan base turns on their own faster than the Philly fanatics
2. Jets’ Fans - They’re assholes, they know it and they’re happy about it. If I wrote a full post about these guys, they’d thank me in the comments
3. Patriots’ Fans - With the Red Sox, Celtics and the Patriots, they clearly have been blessed, so act like it. Knowing a Boston fan right now is like knowing a billionaire who keeps punching you in the face with a wade of $100 bills.
4. Dolphins’ Fans - Go to a Jets/Dolphins game in Miami. Do a head count. The Jets fans would win.
5. Falcon’s Fans - Solely because of all the pro-Michael Vick signs I saw throughout the crowd. Losers.

Where would I put my Cowboys? Somewhere in the top ten. No fan base gets more bored quicker than a Cowboy fan, especially at the games.

*** For a different perspective on the Pats and their fans, check out Stevie the K.

Wanted: WR

You want to find the reasons for Miami’s recent collapse, look no further than the QB spot and receiving core. To say they’ve be awful, would be putting it kindly. We’re a long way down from the days of Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne, Santana Moss and many others.

At QB, we know what we have in redshirt freshman, Robert Marve and incoming freshman, Jacory Harris (Miami, FL Northwestern). Both will be competing for the starting job in ‘08. However, let’s see where we’re at with our ‘07 WR recruits.

COMMITTED

Aldaruis Johnson (Miami (FL) Northwestern
The 4-star stud from the Canes backyard has committed to Miami. According to Rivals.com, he is the 8th ranked receiver coming out of college. He’s big (6-2, 300) and fast. He’s the type of player to take a 5-yard slant and turn it into a long touchdown, something the Canes have sorely missed.

Travis Benjamin, Belle Glade (Fla.) Glades Central High School
The six-foot, 4.3 speedster has agreed to come to Miami. The four-star recruit had received offers from Florida, Ohio State and LSU. This is a huge get. His cousin is former Cane, Alfonso Marshall.

Thearon Collier, Miami (FL) Booker T.Washington
A little small (5-9, 163), but don’t let Collier’s size full you. He’s tough to tackle and turn any according to Rivals, On Multiple occasions, the elusive wide out turned a simple 4 yard catch into 20 or more yard gain.”

Davon Johnson, Miami (FL) Booker T. Washington
Another 4-star stud and teammate of Collier (above). Yet another speedster, who ranks #111 on Rivals 250, he can play either wide out or cornerback.

Kendall Thompkins, Miami (Fl) Northwestern
He’s only 3-star, but he has the potential to be big-time. He runs 4.5 and can also take a small pass to the house.

Obviously, these hometown receivers would all be great for the ‘08 Canes, but the one thing they are missing is the big time, the 5-star recruit.

ON THE FENCE
Julio Jones - Foley, AL (Five Stars)
DeAndre Brown - Ocean Springs, MS (Five Stars)
Tommy Streeter - Miami, Fl (Four Stars)
T.J. Lawrence - Lakeland, Fl (Four Stars)
Aaron Boyd - Lexington, KY (Four Stars)

Strapping Predictions - Week 16

Dallas over Carolina, 34-17
Because Tony Romo ’slipped’ up last week when Jessica Simpson was around, rumor has it, the Panthers have flown in all of Romo’s ex-girlfriends to the game.

Jacksonville over Oakland, 27-10
While half the fantasy teams (still playing) are finally putting in Fred Taylor into their lineup for the championship game, little do they know that it’s Jones-Drew’s day to shine. Extra Prediction: Taylor, 80 yards, no TD’s.

Detroit ties Kansas City, 3-3
Neither team deserves to win.

Indianapolis over Houston, 38-24
Don’t forget the Texans, the can score against the Colts, but it still won’t be close.

Cleveland over Cincinnati, 41-10
I’m starting to have Kosar-to-Slaughter flashbacks. Suddenly, ‘86 Jet fans go into convulsions.

Green Bay over Chicago, 21-20
You want to know why Mike Vick can play QB when he gets out of prison; where would you have him on the Bears dept chart if you were the coach?

Philadelphia over New Orleans, 24-16
What the Eagles did to Romo and the Boys last week wasn’t a fluke. They’ve only given up four TD passes in the last five weeks.

Buffalo over New York, 20-13
Poor Giant fans…with Shockey out for the year, what else are they going to yell instead of “throw it to Shockey” every thirty seconds.

San Francisco over Tampa Bay, 27-24
Long road trips typically spell disaster for the Buccaneers.

Arizona over Atlanta, 34-17
The Cardinals aren’t going to the playoffs, but at least they’re not the Falcons.

Seattle over Baltimore, 36-7
Troy Smith, welcome to the NFL. It’s going to feel like the BCS game all over again.

Tennessee over NY Jets, 22-16
Field goals…lots and lots of field goals.

New England over Miami, 107-0
Who else hates the Fins because they ruined what would have been the greatest match up of all time; 14-0 vs. 0-14. Bastards!

Minnesota over Washington, 23-17 (OT)
The Skins will keep it close, but the Vikings have Purple Jesus and you don’t.

San Diego over Denver, 38-9
I’m sure at the beginning of the year, ESPN was actually excited about having this game.

Golden Showers

“I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.” —R. Kelly

I’m no historian, but I don’t think Marin Luther King Jr. ever got busted for peeing on a 14-year-old girl.

Meanwhile, while some thing they are MLK, Mitt Romney lies about walking next to them.

Bowl Predictions, done by EA Sports, College Football ‘08

The 2007 Bowl Season is upon us and you know what that means? That anyone with half a brain cell and keyboard will have their predictions. Not me though. I don’t have an opinion. I’m not going to waste your time and my time tying to. However, I’ll let a machine do it for me.

That’s right, I went ahead and let EA Sports, College Football ‘08 do my predictions for me. I played out all 184 (or so) bowl games. Can I guarantee every prediction? Sure, why not?

*** Update: So far, EA sports is 16-12

POINSETTIA BOWL
San Diego, Dec. 20, 9 p.m.
Utah (8-4) vs. Navy (8-4)
The game is no contest as the Utes control the game from the coin toss, sending the seamen off to war with a 37-7 ass whipping. The Midshipmen rushed for only 187 yards, mustering up their only points with a late touchdown in garbage time. Navy doesn’t care though, they still beat Notre Dame.
FINAL: UTAH DEFEATS NAVY 37-7.
RESULTS: UTAH WINS 35-32. Obviously, EA has no love for Navy.

NEW ORLEANS BOWL
New Orleans, Dec. 21, 8 p.m.
Florida Atlantic (7-5) vs. Memphis (7-5)
For nearly fifteen minutes it looks like the Owls are ready to rumble with Memphis. They take an early 3-0 lead and the game is still tied heading into the second quarter, but then Memphis decides to show up; 419 yards and four touchdown passes later, Memphis is in control 34-10. They add two more field goals before it is all over.
FINAL: MEMPHIS OVER FLORIDA ATLANTIC, 40-10
RESULTS: FLORIDA ATLANTIC WINS 44-27, EA should know better, never pick against a Florida team.

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham, Ala., Dec. 22, 1 p.m.
Cincinnati (9-3) vs. Southern Miss (7-5)
Despite getting little help from the QB spot (only 115 yards passing and two INTs), the Golden Eagles route the Bearcats 36-17. Southern Miss rolls to an early 21-3 lead and never looks back. The Bearcats had their opportunities, but twice turn the ball over inside the Southern Miss 10-yard line. In fact, Cincinnati was inside the red zone seven times and only manages two TD’s and one field goal.
FINAL: SOUTHERN MISS OVER CINCINNATI, 36-17
RESULTS: CINCINNATI WINS 31-21; never, ever doubt the Bearcats

NEW MEXICO BOWL
Albuquerque, N.M., Dec. 22, 4:30 p.m.
New Mexico (8-4) vs. Nevada (6-6)
In a match up that guarantees that no one east of the Mississippi will watch, The Lobos embarrass the Wolf Pack of Nevada, 40-14. In what has so far been a devastating uneventful start to the bowl season, New Mexico scores on their first six possessions to take a 33-7 halftime lead.
FINAL: NEW MEXICO DEFEATS NEVADA, 40-14
FINAL: NEW MEXICO WINS 23-0; EA was off by 2-points

LAS VEGAS BOWL
Las Vegas, Dec. 22, 8 p.m.
BYU (10-2) vs. UCLA (6-6)
Another bowl game, another blow out as the Bruins, without a head coach, beat down some Mormons in Las Vegas. Who wouldn’t enjoy that? The Bruins pile on 534 yards of O, including 204 rushing in building a 41-9 lead. The cougars score twice late to cut the final score to a still unimpressive 18-pt difference.
FINAL: UCLA OVER BYU, 41-23
RESULTS: BYU WINS; 17-6, Rule #34: Never bash the mormons.
* For the record, the write does not condone the beating of Mormons or any other religious types, so please stop sending me hate mail and turn the other cheek, quickly. If this was Notre Dame, I would have wrote “beat down some Catholics in Las Vegas.” However, Notre Dame sucks.

HAWAII BOWL
Honolulu, Hawaii, Dec. 23, 8 p.m.
East Carolina (7-5) vs. Boise State (10-2)
This wasn’t the Fiesta Bowl and they aren’t facing the powerful Sooners and for a little while, this doesn’t look like the Boise State we all fell in love with. The Pirates control the game early, taking a 20-7 lead late into the second quarter. However, East Carolina wouldn’t score again, as the Broncos score 27 unanswered points, knocking out a 34-20 win. The two teams tallied up nearly 900 yards, finally giving college football fans a somewhat competitive game in the bowls.
FINAL: BOISE STATE TAKES DOWN EAST CAROLINA, 34-20
RESULTS: EAST CAROLINA WINS 41-3; Word on the street, Broncos RB asks for divorce on the sideline after the game

MOTOR CITY
Detroit, Dec. 26, 7:30 p.m.
Central Michigan (8-5) vs. Purdue (7-5)
Spotting a 17-point lead to a Big Ten team is usually not the best way to win a football game, however, this is Purdue. Central Michigan, down 17-0 after one quarter, and 24-10 entering the 4th, rallies to score two touchdowns (the final with 15-seconds on the clock), sending the game into overtime. After holding Purdue to a field goal, the Chippewas only take three plays to score a touchdown to earn back-to-back Motor City bowl victories. Good for them!
FINAL: CENTRAL MICHIGAN DEFEATS PURDUE, 30-27, OT
RESULTS: PURDUE WINS 51-48; at least the EA Sports are still doing better than my personal picks.

HOLIDAY BOWL
San Diego, Dec. 27, 8 p.m.
Arizona State (10-2) vs. Texas (9-3)
Earlier this season, the Sun Devils were undefeated, dreaming of a national title. Two months later, the Longhorns are making them their bitch. After opening up a quick 7-3 lead, Arizona State looks bored and uninterested as Texas rips off a safety in two TD’s in the second quarter. The Longhorns end up with 30 straight points before Arizona puts up a garbage touchdown late.
FINAL: TEXAS DEFEATS ARIZONA STATE, 33-14
RESULTS: TEXAS WINS 52-34, even EA knows that Arizona State was overrated.

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Orlando, Fla., Dec. 28, 5 p.m.
Boston College (10-3) vs. Michigan State (7-5)
Boston College dominates the stat sheet. They out gain the Spartans by 168 yards, holding them to 62 yards rushing. BC produces more first downs (8), more total plays (19) and controls the clock (36-24), yet the Eagles still lose 24-13. Typical. After falling behind 10-0 early, MSU slowly claws back into it and trails only 13-10 heading into the 4th. Meanwhile, the Eagles twice find themselves in the red zone, but both times they walk away with missed field goals. The Spartans finish off BC with two 4th quarter touchdown passes.
FINAL: MICHIGAN STATE OVER BOSTON COLLEGE, 24-13
RESULTS: BOSTON COLLEGE WINS 24-21

TEXAS BOWL
Houston, Dec. 28, 8 p.m.
TCU (7-5) vs. Houston (8-4)
In Texas, they like things bigger. They also like things high scoring and the Horn Frogs and Cougars don’t disappoint. The two teams combine for 74 points and 942 yards in TCU’s 42-32 victory. The game isn’t as close as the margin indicates as Texas Christian storms out of the gate 21-0. They lead 35-10 after three quarters before Houston rallies to put up 22 in the 4th quarter.
FINAL: TCU DEFEATS HOUSTON, 42-32
RESULTS: TCU WINS 20-13

EMERALD BOWL
San Francisco, Dec. 28, 8:30 p.m.
Maryland (6-6) vs. Oregon State (8-4)
Some believe that a 6-6 team doesn’t belong in a bowl game and you know what? Those people are correct. After keeping up with the Beavers all game, in fact, leading 25-19 after three quarters, the Terps run out of gas, as the Beavers score twice in the fourth quarter, dropping Maryland below .500 for the year.
FINAL: OREGON STATE OVER MARYLAND, 33-25
RESULTS: OREGON STATE WINS, 21-14

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Charlotte, N.C., Dec. 29, 1 p.m.
UConn (9-3) vs. Wake Forest (8-4)
Last year the Demon Deacons played in the Orange Bowl. This season they beat Connecticut 24-14 and only eleven people care. The two teams are tied at the half at 14, but the Huskies don’t sniff the end zone in the second.
FINAL: WAKE FOREST OVER UCONN, 24-14
RESULTS: WAKE FOREST, 24-10

LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis, Tenn., Dec. 29, 4:30 p.m.
Mississippi State (7-5) vs. UCF (10-3)
When he’s not making films about malls, store clerks and silent Bob’s, Kevin Smith (same guy, right?) runs the ball for the Golden Knights. Apparently he does it really well because he rumbles for 172 yards and two scores as Central Florida rips the Bulldogs by 26 in Memphis.
FINAL: UCF DEFEATS MISSISSIPPI STATE, 33-7
RESULTS: MISSISSIPPI STATE WIN, 10-3

ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio, Dec. 29, 8 p.m.
Penn State (8-4) vs. Texas A&M (7-5)
A few months short of his 134th birthday, Jo Pa must feel like a kid again, as the Nittany Lions ring up 593 yards of offense over the hapless Aggies. Penn State only needs to complete 16 passes to gain it’s 381 yards passing in route to their 20-point victory over Texas A&M.
FINAL: PENN STATE OVER TEXAS A&M 41-21
RESULTS: PENN STATE WINS 24-17

INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Shreveport, La., Dec. 30, 8 p.m.
Colorado (6-6) vs. Alabama (6-6)
Nick Saban is a douche bag, so who isn’t happy when the Buffaloes of Colorado stomp all over the Tide in the first half, building a solid 24-6 lead? However, God proves how much he hates America when he allows Alabama to score 16 points (a TD, safety, TD) in the final ten minutes to rally for a 30-27 victory over a stunned Colorado.
FINAL: ALABAMA OVER COLORADO 30-27
RESULTS: ALABAMA WINS, 30-24

ARMED FORCES BOWL
Fort Worth, Texas, Dec. 31, 12:30 p.m.
Cal (6-6) vs. Air Force (9-3)
The Cal Bears did their best to salvage a once-promising season, crushing Air Force 48-10. California totaled 559 yards of total offense, scoring 34 second half points. Air Force doesn’t care though, they still beat Notre Dame.
FINAL: CAL DEFEATS AIR FORCE, 48-10
RESULTS: CAL WINS, 42-36

SUN BOWL
El Paso, Texas, Dec. 31, 2 p.m.
USF (9-3) vs. Oregon (8-4)
In the battle between two former number two’s, the Ducks again prove that without Dixon, they’re just a JV team in some damn ugly green uniforms. USF stomps the Ducks 52-21, behind 313 yards passing and four touchdowns by Matt Grothe. Despite the win, fans across America still have no idea where USF is.
FINAL: USF OVER OREGON, 52-21
RESULTS: OREGON WINS, 56-21

HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Boise, Idaho, Dec. 31, 2 p.m.
Fresno State (8-4) vs. Georgia Tech (7-5)
Who needs a head coach? Not the Yellow Jackets. After spotting the Bulldogs two field goals, Georgia Tech rolls, scoring the next 28 points. Fresno State is over matched throughout the game, gaining only 270 total yards, while handing over four turnovers.
FINAL: GEORGIA TECH DEFEATS FRESNO STATE, 28-6
RESULTS: FRESNO STATE WINS, 40-28

MUSIC CITY BOWL
Nashville, Tenn., Dec. 31, 4 p.m.
Florida State (7-5) vs. Kentucky (7-5)
Despite the fact that nearly half of Florida State’s roster pulled a Belichick, the Seminoles play inspired ball and upset the Wildcats, 31-13. It doesn’t hurt Florida State that the Wildcats turn it over six times, including four fumbles in the second half alone.
FINAL: FLORIDA STATE OVER KENTUCKY, 31-13
RESULTS: KENTUCKY WINS, 35-28

INSIGHT BOWL
Tempe, Ariz., Dec. 31, 5:30 p.m.
Indiana (7-5) vs. Oklahoma State (6-6)
In a game that only twenty-three people watch on the NFL Network, Oklahoma State takes down the Hoosiers by 21. Although the stats are even (Indian has five more yards, one more first down and more time of position), they have four more turnovers than the Cowboys, who also are a perfect 5-5 in the red zone (that’s five touchdowns).
FINAL: OKLAHOMA STATE OVER INDIANA, 38-17
RESULTS: OKLAHOMA STATE WINS, 49-33

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL
Atlanta, Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m.
Clemson (9-3) vs. Auburn (8-4)
In a game that featured 73 promos involving a cow telling me to eat more chicken, the Tigers from Auburn whip the Tigers from Clemson, 40-23. Trailing in the third quarter 20-9, Clemson scores two quick touchdowns to take a 23-20 lead, but that’s all they get as Auburn runs up 20 straight points down the stretch. Afterwards, I eat two burgers.
FINALS: AUBURN OVER CLEMSON, 40-23
RESULTS: AUBURN WINS, 23-20

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa, Fla., Jan. 1, 11 a.m.
Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Tennessee (9-4)
While most of the nation sleeps in, nursing a wicked hangover, the Badgers pull off the biggest Bowl comeback so far in ’07. Down 31-14 at the half, Wisconsin outscores the Volunteers 24-3 in the final 30 minutes, including a 5-yard touchdown with 34 ticks on the clock, giving Wisconsin their first lead of the day.
FINAL: WISCONSIN OVER TENNESSEE, 38-34
RESULTS: TENNESSEE WINS, 21-17

COTTON BOWL
Dallas, Jan. 1, 11:30 a.m.
Missouri (11-2) vs. Arkansas (8-4)
The Missouri Tigers felt like they belonged in a BCS game. Maybe that’s why they left their offense at home. Riding their Heisman runner-up, the Razorbacks beat the Tigers 17-13. McFadden runs for 198 yards on 35 carries, scoring both of Arkansas’ touchdowns. While Missouri did manage to find their way into Arkansas’ red zone five times, they can only manage one TD and one field goal.
FINAL: ARKANSAS OVER MISSOURI, 17-13
RESULTS: MISSOURI WINS, 38-7

GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville, Fla., Jan. 1, Noon
Virginia (9-3) vs. Texas Tech (8-4)
The Red Raiders like to pass the ball…a lot, but it is their running attack that helps Texas Tech slice up the Cavaliers 41-15. The Red Raiders run the ball 33 times for 171 yards and three scores. Virginia does manage to get close (24-15) midway through the third, but Texas Tech closes it out by scoring the final 17 points.
FINAL: TEXAS TECH OVER VIRGINIA, 41-14
RESULTS: TEXAS TECH WINS, 31-28

CAPITAL ONE
Orlando, Fla., Jan. 1, 1 p.m.
Michigan (8-4) vs. Florida (9-3)
Tim Tebow might have won the Heisman, he might even be a god, but the Wolverines are not impressed. Michigan bruises and batters the Gators QB, throttling UF 38-16. Tebow is held to 249 total yards (202 passing/47 rushing on 21 attempts). He only completes 13-33, while throwing two interceptions. Afterwards, Tebow blames God for his poor performance. He wakes up the following morning with an unexplained outbreak of Herpies.
FINAL: MICHIGAN UPSETS FLORIDA, 38-16
RESULTS: MICHIGAN WINS, 41-35

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena, Calif., Jan. 1, 4:30 p.m.
USC (10-2) vs. Illinois (9-3)
Proving yet again that the bowl alliance is the lamest thing in sports, USC humiliates the Fighting Illini 56-17. The game could have been uglier, but the Trojans call off the dogs early, after building a 42-3 halftime lead. Asked after the game if his team really belonged in the Rose Bowl facing USC, Ron Zook says, “At least we never lost to Stanford.”
FINAL: SOUTHERN CAL SMACKS ILLINOIS, 56-17
RESULTS: SOUTHERN CAL WINS, 49-17

SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans, Jan. 1, 8:30 p.m.
Hawaii (12-0) vs. Georgia (10-2)
Hawaii’s high-flying offense may impress out west, but in the Sugar Bowl against a stout SEC defense, not so much. Georgia keeps the Rainbows out of the end zone for 57 minutes, pulling out an easy 22-12 victory. The Bulldogs themselves had a hard time crossing into the end zone, managing only one TD, settling for five field goals, but their D has their way with Colt Brennan, who did his best Tommy Chow (sorry; Timmy) impression, finishing 18-41, 303 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT.
FINAL: GEORGIA OVER HAWAII, 22-12
RESULTS: GEORGIA WINS, 41-10

FIESTA BOWL
Glendale, Ariz., Jan. 2, 8:00 p.m.
West Virginia (10-2) vs. Oklahoma (11-2)
The Fiesta Bowl remains unkind to Bob Stoops and the Sooners as the Mountaineers upset Oklahoma 23-17. With their head coach dumping them for Michigan, West Virginia steps up their game, especially on D, twice stopping the Sooners at their goal line on 4th down. Despite the loss, Bob Stoopes still feels like his Sooners should be considered for a #1 ranking.
FINAL: WEST VIRGINIA OVER OKLAHOMA, 23-17
RESULTS: WEST VIRGINIA WINS, 48-28

ORANGE BOWL
Miami, Jan. 3, 8 p.m.
Kansas (11-1) vs. Virginia Tech (11-2)
Virginia Tech pulls off the GREATEST final play in college football history to beat Kansas 30-27 in the Orange Bowl. With two seconds on the clock and the ball on their own three, the Hokies complete an improvable 97-yard Hail Mary, topping off a 20-pt 4th quarter rally. Trailing 27-17, Tech scored a touchdown with 46 seconds left, but they failed to convert the onsides kick. The Jayhawks ran the ball three straight times (each time the Hokies used a time out), but fail to pick up a first down. Their punt was downed on the Hokies three-yard line and the game was assumed over. 97 yards later, the Hokies storm the field to celebrate. The two teams combined for a stunning 997 total yards of offense.
FINAL: VIRGINA TECH STUNS KANSAS, 30-27

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto, Jan. 5, Noon
Rutgers (7-5) vs. Ball State (7-5)
In a bowl game so pointless they had to play it outside the country; Ball State watches their 10-7 halftime lead disappear quickly in the third quarter as the Scarlett Knights run away with 28 straight points.
FINAL: RUTGERS OVER BALL STATE, 35-10

GMAC BOWL
Mobile, Ala., Jan. 6, 8 p.m.
Tulsa (9-4) vs. Bowling Green (8-4)
Tulsa beat Bowling Green 30-24 in overtime and the only thing college football fans can say is, “The reason we can’t have a playoff is so these two teams can play a bowl game in a city I would never go to?”
FINAL: TULSA OVER SOUTHERN MISS, 30-24, OT

BCS TITLE GAME
New Orleans, Jan. 7, 8 p.m.
Ohio State (11-1) vs. LSU (11-2)
Trying to figure out whom to cheer for in an OSU/LSU title game, is like trying to figure out who to root for in a Nick Saban/Bobby Petrino boxing match. Can’t they both come down with a case of Gonorrhea? Anyhow, LSU strikes first, scoring on their opening drive. They miss the extra point though. The six points will be the only points in the ENTIRE first half by either team. The Buckeyes had their chances, particularly after recovering a fumble deep in LSU territory in the second quarter, but the Tigers D shuts OSU down on the goal line on 4th down.

With a 6-0 lead at intermission, the Tigers receive the opening kickoff and run it back 97-yards for a touchdown. However, LSU turns the ball over twice in the third quarter and Ohio State takes full advantage this time around, scoring touchdowns both times. Entering the final quarter, the Buckeyes are holding on to a slim 14-13 lead.

In the 4th, the Tigers turn it over for the fourth time and again OSU capitalizes with a touchdown. One possession later, they add a field goal. With just under five minutes to play, Ohio State is in control 24-13. The Tigers are able to rally and score a late TD and two-pt conversion, but with 1:04 on the clock, their onside kick lands in the hands of the Buckeyes, who are able to run out the clock.
FINAL: OHIO STATE DEFEATS LSU, 24-21

Angry Boosters

Wait, West Virginia has boosters? Wealthy boosters?